So I was reading
this earlier tonight, and, while busting out laughing, I was getting more and more mad at myself for not doing exactly what Bob did when a few salespeople appeared on my very own porch this weekend, hocking the very thing that you would be oh-so-foolish not to buy: God.
I say that I was getting mad at myself because it's always appalled me that these people of faith actually walk from door to door–my door, on my property–trying to convince me, sometimes employing fear in the process, to buy into their beliefs, and I've always wanted to sit them down and have a real conversation with them.
Honestly, I really don't fully understand why I'm so fervent about this, yet my compassion overrides... and I think that's why they get away so cleanly. Here's how it usually goes down:
It's Saturday, 9:39am.
Jenny (barely clothed): "Psssst, Mark! Um, I think there's someone at the door, and I uh..."
Me (still asleep, but waking): "Ergh.. eh... wha?"
Jenny: "There's uh, somebody at the door... were you expecting somebody this morning?"
Me (groggy): "Not that I..."
::click!::
The Mormons.
Adrenaline blur: Pants. Shirt. Stumbling. Living room. Door.
Me: "Hi!"
Champ: "Hello! How are you this fine morning!"
Me: "Great! How about yourself?"
Champ: "Ger-ate aaaas well."
Me: "Excellent. What can I do for you guys?"
Champ: "Well, actually we've come by this morning to share something with you. Do you have a few minutes?"
Me: "Ummm, suuure I do... is... is it a religion, by any chance?" (yes, I actually said the word "religion" in italics).
Sport: "Oh, you've heard of the Book of Mormon?"
Me: "Book of Mormon, sure, sure. But I, well... (eyes narrow) I think I'm set."
Champ: "Oh... kay, do you perhaps have any friends who are going through a rough time in their lives?"
Me (just trying to be nice): "Oh don't we all."
Champ: "Sure, sure... well, we have some pamphlets that we can leave with you if you'd..."
Me: "Actually, I'll pass on those. Thanks for your time this morning, fellas. And good luck in your travels. Hope you catch a few this morning."
Sport: "Heh, thank you sir. Have a good day yourself..."
Me: "I love you."
Nah, I didn't really say that but I was getting bored just typing that little exchange so I had to do something. Anyhow, here's what I take away from that little exchange:
- I'm about as socially adept as one of those paver bricks you see arranged in a circular pattern surrounding the base of a fake tree in the middle of a mall in Texlahoma.
- When these people come to the door, for some reason the nice part of me overrides the oh-my-god-i-want-to-rip-into-these-people-and-find-out-what-makes-their-little-minds-tick part. I want to ask them real questions, but all of a sudden I try to make them feel comfortable and, strangely, look out for them, even though they knocked on my door.
- Mormons/religion salespeople pray on those who are getting their asses handed to them by life?
- When they show up, I'm giddy. It's like someone said "Mark, the UPS guy just left a package labeled 'apple leopard messagepad prototype ULTRA SECRET' on the front porch with a return address reading 's.jobs from cupertino' on it. I immediately toss manslap in my shorts, dash for the front door, looking ecstatically for my new toy, but am immediately demoralized when I realize that when somebody says "package labeled 'leopard messagepad prototype,'" they mean "steaming hot pile of corn-laden jet-black sulfer-spewing horse excrement on fire." Drag.
- When I open the door, all of a sudden, I turn nice. Damnit!
So help me understand this. Please. (I think) I'm a nice person, but the next time someone shows up on my front porch trying to sell me a religion, well... I don't think it's necessarily unkind to give it right back. They
have to be expecting it, right? I mean, not from everybody, but from some... not everybody is going to just lay back and say "well, wow, yeah... ya know, I really haven't thought much about it before..." Some of us already
have thought about it, and have very strong views. In fact, I think it's somewhat offensive to assume that I
haven't given it thought and have come to my own views already. Don't most people think of these things before they buy a house? Don't they?! I would certainly hope so.