I say that I was getting mad at myself because it's always appalled me that these people of faith actually walk from door to door–my door, on my property–trying to convince me, sometimes employing fear in the process, to buy into their beliefs, and I've always wanted to sit them down and have a real conversation with them.
Honestly, I really don't fully understand why I'm so fervent about this, yet my compassion overrides... and I think that's why they get away so cleanly. Here's how it usually goes down:
It's Saturday, 9:39am.
Jenny (barely clothed): "Psssst, Mark! Um, I think there's someone at the door, and I uh..."
Me (still asleep, but waking): "Ergh.. eh... wha?"
Jenny: "There's uh, somebody at the door... were you expecting somebody this morning?"
Me (groggy): "Not that I..."
::click!::
The Mormons.
Adrenaline blur: Pants. Shirt. Stumbling. Living room. Door.
Me: "Hi!"
Champ: "Hello! How are you this fine morning!"
Me: "Great! How about yourself?"
Champ: "Ger-ate aaaas well."
Me: "Excellent. What can I do for you guys?"
Champ: "Well, actually we've come by this morning to share something with you. Do you have a few minutes?"
Me: "Ummm, suuure I do... is... is it a religion, by any chance?" (yes, I actually said the word "religion" in italics).
Sport: "Oh, you've heard of the Book of Mormon?"
Me: "Book of Mormon, sure, sure. But I, well... (eyes narrow) I think I'm set."
Champ: "Oh... kay, do you perhaps have any friends who are going through a rough time in their lives?"
Me (just trying to be nice): "Oh don't we all."
Champ: "Sure, sure... well, we have some pamphlets that we can leave with you if you'd..."
Me: "Actually, I'll pass on those. Thanks for your time this morning, fellas. And good luck in your travels. Hope you catch a few this morning."
Sport: "Heh, thank you sir. Have a good day yourself..."
Me: "I love you."
Nah, I didn't really say that but I was getting bored just typing that little exchange so I had to do something. Anyhow, here's what I take away from that little exchange:
- I'm about as socially adept as one of those paver bricks you see arranged in a circular pattern surrounding the base of a fake tree in the middle of a mall in Texlahoma.
- When these people come to the door, for some reason the nice part of me overrides the oh-my-god-i-want-to-rip-into-these-people-and-find-out-what-makes-their-little-minds-tick part. I want to ask them real questions, but all of a sudden I try to make them feel comfortable and, strangely, look out for them, even though they knocked on my door.
- Mormons/religion salespeople pray on those who are getting their asses handed to them by life?
- When they show up, I'm giddy. It's like someone said "Mark, the UPS guy just left a package labeled 'apple leopard messagepad prototype ULTRA SECRET' on the front porch with a return address reading 's.jobs from cupertino' on it. I immediately toss manslap in my shorts, dash for the front door, looking ecstatically for my new toy, but am immediately demoralized when I realize that when somebody says "package labeled 'leopard messagepad prototype,'" they mean "steaming hot pile of corn-laden jet-black sulfer-spewing horse excrement on fire." Drag.
- When I open the door, all of a sudden, I turn nice. Damnit!
1 comments:
Most people react similarly to porch preachers. Kindly, calmly, kurt at the very worst. This, even if accidental, is wisdom at work. At the heart of this situation is this fact: they are well-primed and more than ready for you.
Most long-standing evangelical faiths have layers of protocol for spreading The Word. What they really want is for you to engage them. They are praying (no pun intended) for your off-the-cuff criticism because a good evangelizer will have all kinds of rhetoric to throw at you if you bait them for it. They're look at their interaction with you that same way casinos do - the longer they have you engaged, the more they stand to win.
Once in my earlier, feistier, more impulsive days, I went toe to toe with one such visitor. And I hit a brick wall. Repeatedly. Thus, my altercation with him was ultimately unsatisfying. The advantage that he had was the same all literalist and fundamentalist zealots have: they don't employ reason. They don't have to, it's their faith. God is THE "Get out of jail free card", because their belief in God and his infallibility can be used to win any argument. When you debate, as they do, with a limitless, boundless, omnipotent entity as your "logic" there's nothing you can't debunk. Evolution, homosexuality, even the existence of outer space. They're all subject to God's authority. To the fervent believer, your arguments and rebuttals are at best myth, at worst evil.
You probably did yourself an inadvertent favor just cutting them short and killing with kindness. It is, in my experience, the best way to handle evangelism. However, if you really want to play dirty: let them see you're at home, and completely ignore them. Stare out the window, right past them, like they're not even there. THAT'S fun.
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